Reflections

Two years ago, I embarked on an LDS mission to serve in and around San Jose, California. When I left, my household was not what I'd always imagined it would be. Financial stress and the weight of terminal disease weighed heavily on our minds. At times I'd wonder, "Am I running away?" Had my mission become an escape route from my life of pain and rejection? Or perhaps I had some hope that my enlisting in the service of my God would grant my family a free pass from the trials that befell them. But each night as I lay in my bed looking up I knew why I was there: Because I needed to be.

My service didn't prevent the death of my father. Nor did the economic situation of my family drastically improve. Rather, I improved. A maturity that I had very obviously lacked was coming to light. I knew more what it meant to sacrifice, to have to work hard every day and come home and feel like you just can't do it again tomorrow. I learned that as we follow inspired council, we are blessed and when we ignore it things do not turn out well for anyone. Some lessons took longer to learn than others, and some scars have yet to heal completely, but I know that despite the cost, despite the hard times, the good times were worth it.

I'm glad to be back home and to be able to share more of my life lessons with you who read this post. I hope to be able to contribute a more adult perspective on the subjects I address. Thank you, I'll post again soon.

Acceptance: Stage 5

After suffering through the previous four stages I am at last at the end. Having come to grips with mans mortality, I've decided that it is time to accept things as they are and not assign undue blame to anyone. The Lord gives and takes and who are we to question when and how? My brother told me that everything evens out through death, that eventually everything will make sense. I guess I'm only just beginning to understand what my purpose is, and I will likely not fully understand until I have crossed the veil and enter eternity. When you read this post, think about a loved one that you lost, and you may find that the reason you no longer grieve their loss is because you discovered that they aren't really lost. They really have been found.

Depression : Stage 4

I didn't think I would really suffer through this stage, and if I hadn't had 3 vaccinations the day before I might still be stuck on stage 3. From having two flu vaccines and a tetness shot I woke up this morning shaky, nauseous, sore, and with a splitting headache. As I lay in my bed, shivering despite more than adequate insulation, my mouth hanging open, I realized just how similar my plight was to that of my fathers. Except that I knew I would get better, and I still have my mind. He has neither. I lay there thinking about how he must be feeling, perhaps only down in the very core of his being, and I was moved with empathy. And with my empathy came the bitter taste of depression at acknowledging my fathers mortality. In the case of depression, the best way to get through it is to have a rock, an anchor. Be it a person or an ideal, you need to have a sturdy element with which to whether the storm. Stay tuned my faithful readers for the eventual conclusion to this 5 part series.

Bargaining: Stage 3

Finally, the anger subsides and reality starts to creep from behind the turbulent clouds of the now ebbing storm of emotions. Your thoughts begin to invent what-if scenario after scenario of how things could have been avoided or averted. If only you had known sooner, if you had seen a specialist, and many other like stories dance through your imagination. These daydreams of a better life are only an escape measure from reality, though, so don't dwell on them. This is the shortest lived stage for most people, in part because you know that your fantasies aren't helping anyone and time is just passing you by. It is my belief that not everyone experiences these stages exactly the same way, perhaps even skipping or repeating a stage or stages. In any case I sympathize with those who suffer the next stage.

Anger: Stage 2

Following close behind Denial, we have Anger.It occurs when when the deflecting barrier of Denial and Isolation wears out and the first bits of reality begin to permeate soul and body. In a frantic effort to expel the invading truth we vent. Yelling, pacing, and perhaps even violent behavior can be expected. This torrent of anger may be directed at almost anything, animate or inanimate whether it is the offending element or not. In the case of loosing a loved one, you may even direct your anger at the one you are losing or have lost. As time passes you know and remember that you love them, but you blame them for being weak, perhaps even going as far as to wish that you had never known them so you wouldn't have to suffer so. Knowing that what or who you are focusing your anger on is blameless only makes you more angry. The only way to get past this stage is to let it out. Try to vent your anger in the least destructive way possible. Screaming into a pillow and then punching it a few times is a personal favorite of mine. It sure beats letting it fester inside you and destroy your appearance and mood. After you have expunged the anger from yourself, feel free to lay on your bed and stare up at the ceiling and move on to the next step. The most important thing to remember is not to repress your anger, you just need a constructive outlet. Or at least one that will not be overly destructive.

Denial: Not a River in Egypt

Stage 1 of the 5 stages in dealing with grief or loss. Ironically, many if not most people in this stage are in denial of the fact that they are. Funny how out of reflex, when we are faced with a problem, we first pretend that it doesn't exist or that it will simply go away. I know that I did when I found out about a tragedy that would inevitably befall my family. I didn't believe it, ignored it, attempted to outsmart it, but there was no beating it. Life would play out like it was meant to and there was no way I could change it. All that being said, I know it doesn't sound like the way to go, but in all likely hood you'll end up there anyway. Just be sure that when you do, that you get a move on quick, because ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away. Things will only get worse during your time in dream land.

How To Lose Friends And Alienate People

A phrase the children are indoctrinated with early on in life is "If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." But if you're reading this blog, you're not a child and you know that sometimes it can be a greater disservice to someone to hold your tongue than to speak a harsh truth. Phrases that once gave the world clear blacks and whites have little significance in a world made up not only of shades of gray, but wild and unpredictable flashes of color. In this world, the black and whites are the accepted laws and extremes that govern us. Shades of gray are the subtle and slight variations and exceptions to those laws. The bouts of color represent the beliefs of man and their will to follow through with them. Like colors, we are all different, though some of us are more similar to one another. To disregard the subtle variances and say what you will is the surest way to incite anger, jealousy, and every other undesirable characteristic imaginable. Words are powerful tools, but they also make deadly weapons. Take great care just which ones you use and how.